Have you ever had a conversation with someone and you knew without a shadow of a doubt that they were lying to you? Have their lies been so outside of the realm of reality that you could tell that they didn’t even believe themselves? I recently had a conversation with someone that was 45 minutes of them repeating the same lies in the earnest hope that I would believe them. This person was so earnest in their lies and victimhood that had my thoughts not firmly been rooted in reality I might have actually believed them. In the midst of this talk, that lead to nowhere, I had a revelation that this person was not really upset with me but instead was upset with themselves. See it’s much easier to blame other people for everything that happens in our lives than it is to take responsibility for who and where we are.
Author and motivational speaker Darren Hardy often says “you are where you are in life because of the choices you have made, both good and bad”. When I first heard this my initial reaction was “oh no, you don’t know what my ex did, you don’t know what my sister did, you don’t know what my boss did, and the list goes on. However the more I reflected on this statement and the more I studied the teachings of the Dali Lama, Bishop Desmond Tutu and Brené Brown I came to look at it differently. If I take responsibility for everything that happens to me that means that I lose the comfort of being a victim. I lose the safety of being able to sit in my chair and point at anyone else as the source of my problems. I can’t blame my father for his inability to be present in my life for my failed relationships. I have to own my failure to be my full self in those relationships. I can not blame my ex for financial issues that may arise from him not fulfilling his support obligations I have to make sure that I am making enough money to cover what he doesn’t provide.
Now I can hear someone saying “Well what if someone steals my car or attacks me for no reason? Clearly that’s not my fault.” The short answer to that is no, it’s not your fault. However how you chose to recover from those things is up to you. Will you start blaming every person who looks like your attacker for your experience? Will you distrust every new face on your block as a potential thief? While we can’t control what happens to us we have complete control over how we react to them. If I have a dog and I walk in my backyard and step in poop do I blame the dog for going to the bathroom outside or do I clean my shoe and endeavor to do a better job of paying attention to where I’m stepping and picking up after it more often? I have chosen to take the path that encourages me to clean up after the dog and watching where I step, then perhaps next time I can see the mess before I step in it.
This also means that I have been making a more conscious effort to pause before reacting to a situation and, while I may not always temper my reactions to things as they happen, my recovery time has gotten much shorter. A prime example of just how far I’ve come was that during this circular discussion I was able to pull myself out of the circle of yelling and blaming and point out to this person that they really weren’t angry with me but with themselves because of the way the situation has turned out. I suggested that instead of dwelling on things that were in the past or the things that were clearly not true that we instead work together to create a better solution. While my words may or may not have gotten through I am at peace with the fact that I was able to, at least in that moment, diffuse a situation and speak a bit of peace and encouragement into this person’s life. It is now up to them if they want to heed the advice to be their best self or stay in the circle of victim-hood that has become so familiar.
My final observation from this conversation was that it is possible to be compassionate and stand your ground. Compassion has been my Achilles heel in many relationships. I have found myself in friendships, familial bonds and romantic relationships with people who have used my compassion and desire to help people against me. I have stayed connected to people because I was more concerned with how they would feel if I said no and stood my ground then my own well-being. I let my fear of losing that connection overrule my own intuition and emotional health. Interestingly enough once I started to love and respect myself enough to require that the people in my life do the same, I was able to clearly see who truly cared for me and who only cared about how I was going to fit into the self serving vision of me that they had created. It has been a beautifully painful journey that I am sincerely grateful for because it has allowed me to live life as the best version of myself that I can possibly be and that is incredibly liberating. It has also allowed me to model this behavior for my daughter so that she can start her life living in the fullness of who she was created to be.