When a friend sent me this quote it was like a kick to the gut and my mind immediately went to thoughts of my ex-husband and the person he has become leading up to the divorce through current day. However, upon further reflection I have found that this message resonated with me so much because I could see so much of myself in this statement as well. There were things that I never thought I would be when I was younger and imagining what my future would hold. I imagined a husband, 2-3 children, a house with a yard with a dog and a cat. I saw my future life with a husband who made enough money that I could work or stay home with our children if I chose, children skipping around without a care in the world knowing that their parents loved them and each other without exception. I also imagined that I would feel fulfilled in my marriage and my partner would be like one of my best friends and while we may have some disagreements or major falling outs we would always fight fair and come back to each other.
My reality is so much more complex, nuanced and disappointing than my imagination could ever conceive. While I did have the marriage and the house with a yard that was the only thing that matched my vision for the future. Instead of 2-3 children I struggled through a near fatal ectopic rupture, a miscarriage and a preterm labor followed by three months of bedrest which blessed us with one amazing daughter. There were no other pregnancies. Adversity did not strengthen our marriage it destroyed it. There was lack of clear communication, emotional immaturity, adultery, financial mismanagement, lies, threats, fear, and finally divorce. We were going through the motions of what we thought a marriage and life should look like without doing the real work that both of us needed to do as both individuals and as two parts of a whole.
Now that the second anniversary of my divorce has come and gone I find myself reflecting on how I can be the change I want to see in my future relationships. I have spent the last two years building a better me. I have found depths of strength, courage and an iron will that I’ve always been told others see in me. I am now able to see it myself and it really is something to behold. I don’t hold any bitterness towards my ex-husband. I have even released the sadness that I once held when I would think of “what could have been” because I now understand that it was never there in the first place. We both failed in that marriage and unfortunately, we were not able to grow together to fix it. My sincere hope is that he is one day able to find the comfort in his own skin and peace within himself to be the person I know he is capable of being because despite all the drama I love him and truly want the best for him.
So, while there is disappointment there is also hope, love, joy, growth and peace for both us both.